BOOMERRANG

FRIEND OR FOE PART II

I often think that I have seen and heard everything, only to be reminded that I have not. 

You would think that as we grow older we would be wiser and not get suckered into things that we don't want to be a part of. I guess it's just not that simple.

So when you find yourself in a relationship that goes sour - and we aren't just talking about male/female sexual relationships- when should you get out of the realtionship and when should you try to work through it? 

I am sure if your google the question you would get millions of hits - offering advice.  Dr. Phil I am confident would say it really is very basic.  If someone if doing something that you don't like and you tell them - either they will continue with their behavior or stop.  Here is the fundamental truth - if they continue their behavior then they have very little concern about your feelings.  If that is the case then it is time to cut them lose. Their world and your world will not come to an end - they will move onto someone whose values more closely align with theirs - as will you. 

Ending a relationship does not mean that you will never be friends again.  Maybe time and distance will bring the growth and maturity that is needed.  

My youngest son asked me "Can you work through it?"

I believe If all parties involved take accountability for their part then you can work through it.   If you are dealing with folks who are not reality based and/or can not see their own culpabilty then there will be no resolution.  When someone tells you they are sorry that you feel the way that you do,  but are not sorry for their action against you, whatever it might be - lied to you, etc. there is no mutually accepatable middle of the road. They are either denying the way that you feel or denying that they have done anything to harm you. 

You know we all see the world thorough our own colored glasses and sometimes no matter how hard we try- we just have different values and different perspectives.  If you don't have enough respect for me when I tell you I don't like it - to stop - then you don't need me in your life.

Loss of Loved Ones

I had the opportunity to attend the funeral of a friend's mother.  It was cold and the streets were dangerously covered with ice. A small group of people made it to the service inspite of the weather.   I suppose this funeral that was held in a rather large church was like most other funerals.  A Pianist played the piano, a pastor spoke making reference to the Holy Scripture and one of the daughters of the deceased woman sang a song.   It all sounds rather familiar. 

 

Winter Funeral by William H Clark  www.indasafineart.com

However their was one aspect of this service that  tugged at my heart and captured my mind.  It was the sermon given as a reflection of a woman who raised six children, who never left her home town, but saw the world from the eyes of those six children. She graduated five times from the same high school, graduated three times from the University of Iowa, traveled to numerous countries, played an instrument in a symphony, a member of a marching band, etc.  The Pastor went on for a good five minutes sharing the lives of her six children.

I never thought of life in that perspective.  It is not just walking down the path of life that broadens the horizons of an individual, but being able to immerse ones self into the experience of another person that enables the journey to become bigger than life itself.  Much like reading a good book, being able to hear,see, and feel the passion of that moment or situation not through your own experience but that of another. 

How proud she must have been of her six children, they complimented her in ways that may not have been visible at first glance.  But for those who took the time to hear and see what a heart warming expression of love embraced them as they bid farewell to their mother.

Friend or Foe?

As the Christmas season comes to an end and we gravitate towards the celebration of a New Year what New Year Resolutions will you find yourself entertaining? 

While most of us will try to change things in our lives that hopefully will give us better health, like losing weight or cutting up credit cards to give us financial freedom - what about those relationships that adorn our lives?  Will you say goodbye to relationships that are not quite what you thought they were going to be? 

Believing that every person comes into our lives for a reason might give us an extended reason to tolerate shortcomings of others or just simply provide us an excuse to not clean house.

Years ago I believed that our paths crossed for a reason.  Now after relationships that were never really productive nor produced better people, my perspective has evolved that life is too short for the clutter.  As I look back at the countless minutes, hours, days, months and years that I spent trying to cultivate the non productive relationship(s) I am left weary and exhausted.  As hard as I tried to turn the relationship into one that was worthy, the more unhappy I became.

We could spend endless hours trying to understand why our paths have crossed. Did I attract negativity?   What do I need to do to bring more positive people into my life?   I am sure that if I did a GOOGLE search I would find literally thousands of hits - with information about how to attract those successful positive people.  Is that really the issue?

Maybe what is needed is the ability to set boundaries of what we are willing to accept or not accept.  I mean somethings are just a no brain-er.  If the person lies to you - honestly what foundation is there to build on?  If the person always has to be right- what need is there for a partner? 

So you think that you are the one to change them?  You and a thousand others!  Seriously what are your credentials?   Look lets just keep it real . . . you should want what has already been made complete.  You should not have to teach, train, re-dress, nor show anyone what it means to be loved.  They should already understand and practice this skill set.

But perhaps we should spend more time actively removing them from our life scene.  I can tell you that some people will spend  enormous amount of time trying to come up with ways to remove one from their life.  Take a look at this list I found during a Google search:

1.  Be strategic - different losers require different techniques.  Some take more time than others to get the hint.

2.  Bore him  Offer only the most mundane things about yourself.

3.  Stare blankly when he tells a joke, or fake laugh so loudly and hysterically that everyone around you stares.

4.  Ignore him.  Bring a magazine to read, the more unlikely, the better.

5. Call him by several different wrong names.

6.  Show off some less desirable personal habits - grind your teeth, crack your knuckles, chew gum, sniffle and swallow loudly, take food from his plate, swap straws with him every fifth sip.  tap your nails on the table.  Snicker for no reason

. . . seriously the list continued on and on.  Perhaps just learning to say no.  No Ia m not interested.  No I don't like that.  No we don't have anything in common.  No .  NO. . .NO.

One simple word - NO-  would save years of heartache, sweat and tears.

SEX & LOVE - PART IV

Okay Ladies what is the number two reason men cheat?   According to M. Gary Neumann, the number two reason why men cheat is their association with family & friends who cheat.    That’s right you thought your husband’s single playboy friend was a bad influence - seems your intuition may be on the mark. Here is what Mr. Neumann found:

 

• 47% of faithful men have close friends who cheated.  
• 77% of cheating men have close friends who cheated.
• 33% of faithful men have immediate family members who have cheated.
• 55% of cheating men have immediate family members who have cheated.
• 28% of faithful men had dads who either had or were suspected of cheating.
• 50% of cheating men had dads who either had or were suspected of cheating.
• 8% of faithful men had dads who had multiple affairs.
• 21% of cheating men had dads who had multiple affairs.

 

So how do you limit your man’s availability to his cheating friends or family members?  Forbidding him from hanging out with cheating friends, probably will not produce positive results.   This is  probably way too important to ignore.  Once you have registered your complaint with your husband, request that his friend come to your house to hang out with him.  Try your best to be around your husband and friend when they are out.  The goal should be to try and limit your husband being taken along for the ride of “Let’s meet some girls”.

 

The reality is, that if a father cheats, his children are at a greater risk to repeat the infidelity in their adult life.  It’s that old adage, “children learn what they live”.  If your father-in-law cheated on his wife, your husband learned a lesson about cheating, whether he wanted it or not.   Gary M Neumann says, “You can’t change your husband’s past, but you can be aware of it and spend extra time considering with him the messages he was sent.   As he shares this part of himself, you become a part of this world, the ancient world of his childhood, and it’s no longer just about him and his family of origin.  Now it’s about you as well since you’ve implanted yourself as part of his childhood world.” 

 

Remember to not be judgmental in your conversations, as our society teaches us  to respect our parents and appreciate them.   Even as adults, we don’t like it if our parents are put down.   The whole idea is to help your mate work through this part of their childhood, not alienate him.

 

Mr. Neumann in his book, Cheating, also states, “Introduce him to new friends by going out with other couples.   Those who seem to be having good marriages can serve as a good role model for both you and your husband.  The more time he spends with new faithful me, the less significant his cheating friends become “